새해 첫날

언젠가처럼, 새해 첫날을 또 이렇게 큰 소리로 시작하고 말았네요. 이 모습이 아주 낯 선 건 아니라는 사실이 더욱 서글픈 밤입니다.

하지만 어설픈, 겉만 번지르한 가족간의 화목보다는, 자존감 도둑으로부터 나를 지켜내는 것이 지금의 제게는 더 소중합니다. 물론 압니다. 그 말이 완전히 틀린 말은 아니기에 내가 더 민감하게 반응했다는 것을, 그리고 이런 식의 대응이 양쪽 모두에게 꼭 도움이 되는 것만은 아니라는 것을. 그래도 최소한 일보 전진입니다. 예전에는 하지 않았던 나를 지키는 말을 화의 힘을 빌어서라도 할 수 있다는 것은. 다만 이야기의 방식이 달라지길, 나의 지적받았던 모습도 달라지길 기대해 봅니다.

Hou...... Started writing again.

Still far away.

But at least started writing and found many relevant contens, which increased my confidence in my theory.

Why I can't write?

Fear of not doing well => Avoiding

Too strong desire to do well

Laziness: Want to avoid all the burden => But is this really a life I want? Sleeping always? Lying down on bed? No, I don't think so.

Thank you, Dr.!

Thank you for saying that, Dr. And for supporting me.

How to deal with emotional pain

<Lessons>

- Express your pain. I don't think this means that I have to accuse people or yell at them. But just communicate how I feel. However, do not expect the person will change
   # Blogging
   # Imaginar/real Letter to the person

- Don't say just yes.

- Don't be subordinate. If you want others to change their behaviors, it means that you become subordinate to the person.

- Focus on present. Don't relive past

- Have some fun

<What's core>
Yes, I deserve to be well treated. But if someone doesn't treat me well, it doesn't mean that I become a bad person or my value is low. It just mean that the person is a bad person. Whatever others do to me, I am the same decent, awesome person. It means that I feel bad because I don't have a strong confidence in my self-worth. So I can't laugh at others' criticism or rude behaviors on me. In my mind, they signal that I am not a valuable person. But let's believe in yourself, Snow. It's not relevant to who you are. You are a awesome, decent person as always!

<Gratitude>

# General
- J is always there for me and will be.
- Thank god! K at least tried.
- Your advisors are very generous.
- You got a new job, so you can afford living alone.

# Today
- F always welcome you.
- B gave me a gift.

<Anxiety>
- Lease: It will go well. Believe. The probability the person changes her mind is not that high. Just time will solve this.
- paper: just try, you have enough time
- money: It will be okay.

<Budget>
$900+$800+$330- $1400= 630*9=$5670

For May, June, and July: 1400*3= 4200

$800 for housing and utilities
$600 for living ($150: eat outside? $300 for grocery? ) From now, cut off many of the whole food and trader joe things

Rage or Anger

I am angry because my landlord has been very rude to me recently. He has been treating me as if I am a potential criminal. I understand he is concerned about his business and property, but I don't think I deserve that or did anything wrong to cause him behave in that way. I already told him I would take care of things, but he repeats again and again as if I will run away without taking care of things. Generally, he speaks whatever he wants to speak and don't listen to what other people want/have to say.

I hope I can protect myself better. I hope I can speak to him in a more assertive way and argue with him in a calm way. Now I consider writing a letter to him. Do I have to?

분노가 고여들거든 - 탁낫한 스님 

분노가 고여들거든 
그대 마음속에 분노가 고여들거든 
우선 말하는 것을 멈추십시오. 

지독히 화가 났을 때에는 우리인생이 
얼마나 덧 없는가를 생각해 보십시오 
서로 사랑하며 살아도 벅찬 세상인데 
이렇게 아옹다옹 싸우며 살아갈 필요가 있겠습니까. 

내가 화가 났을 때 내 주위 사람들은 
모두 등을 돌렸습니다. 

그러나 내가 고요한 마음으로 
웃으며 마주칠 때 많은 사람들이 
내 등을 다독거려 주었습니다. 

그리하여 난 알 수 있었습니다. 

내게 가장 해가 되는 것은 바로 
내 마음속에 감춰진 분노라는 것을 말입니다. 

나는 분노하는 마음을 없애려고 노력 합니다. 

고요하고 편안한 마음으로 내 마음을 다스릴 때 
많은 사람들이 나에게 사랑으로 다가올 겁니다. 

불안

불안은 영혼을 잠식한다.

김윤아의 노래에 있던 말이던가... 하지만 요즘의 나에게는 너무나도 정확한 말. Anxiety has been eating me up....... 글쓰기에 대한 회피와 결합해서 그것만이 유일한 생각할 거리이기 때문에 더 그런 거겠지.

먼저 가장 중요한 건 ###집밖으로 나오는 일###

• 일을 하든, 잠을 자든 무조건 연구실에 가기
• 이사 뒤에는 자전거를 탈 수 있어!!!
• 점심은 오힐에서든, 코너에서든, Fontaine에서든 food of all nations에서든 사먹기
• 저녁에는 꼭 운동하기
• 제 때 자기

I am sorry, Nangyi! I feel I didn't succeed in protecting you as I had not in protecting myself and my family.......

# The lessons of this event:

1. Just do whatever you want to do
2. Don't let anxiety make a decision for you. 

# I would like to run away and disappear from everything. But I can't as I know going back to Korea will makes me more depressed and more anxious. And I have nowhere to go. Rather than letting anxiety dominate my mind, try to overcome it. It's just a illusion of mind. Think about why I have been unhappy for the last few months.  Things that happened to me? No, actually nothing happened. Just concern and uncertainty of the future - a creation of mind - have been destroying me.

하이킹 & 피곤

하이킹: 많이 즐거웠다. 사람들, 해냈다는 기쁨, Aron에 대한 관심

친구 F: 즐겁지만 항상 부담스러운, 아이가 생긴 이후로는, 일찍 나오고 싶었는데 나오지 못했던, 피곤한 방문. 하지만 이건 내 문제다. 그 사람들의 문제가 아닌. Do whatever you want/feel to do. Completely ignore what others think/feel.

하루하루가 지치고 힘들다. 페이퍼와 불확실한 리스 상황 is killing me every moment. The only way out is just trying and praying. Frankly there is nothing I can do. Big, Big, Big lesson: Being polite and considerate and not hurting others is important. But protecting myself has to be prioritized.